Lose all hope, ye who enter here
I said goodbye to my youth last night. I won't bore you with the sorted details of this farewell, lets leave it at the disaster of a relationship I got involved with 2 years ago with a woman I met while I lived in Boston ended. She too damaged from previous relationships to give anything but bile and viciousness, I too worn to put up with it. It was costly, both monetary and emotionally-not for her, but for me. When she left I was left alone with my work in front of me. I realized that I was no longer a hope filled young man, believing the lie that there is somebody out there for everyone. There is no one out there for me...I must walk my path alone. I used to hope that there was one woman out there that could understand my motivations, appreciate me for what I am and what I do, have my back when I couldn't cover it.
Hope for me to have some sort of normal life has evaporated leaving nothing but a stain sorta like vomit left by a drunk on the sidewalk. A place without hope is Hell; and as I reflect on the last 52 years, it has been mostly that. It is both exhilarating and pitiful that I have reached this conclusion. I haven't given much of a damn about what other people thought for most of my time here, They are usually wrong, they are motivated by both ignorance and fear, and they haven't a clue about me. I also have allowed myself the privilege of appearing in public thinking that I was alone there...I say what I like, dress as I like and treat all people with the same level of contempt that I am treated with, the only advise I usually take is from my mechanic and medical professionals. I figure I'm paying for their advice I best take it.
I had a potential client in here yesterday, just before this farewell took place. She had on a "I love Jesus" Tee shirt and spoke in circles about nothing in particular...an intellectual religious fanatic. She claimed she had no money for the work she was wanting me to accomplish but was interested in barter. I responded with "what have you got to offer?" She quoted scripture suggesting that when God spoke he did so through people who spoke truth...OK, not something I can use. However, It did register that for the upcoming event of my farewell to this woman I had claimed to love, I would be presented with the right answer. When this potential client left, it wasn't long before the expected visitor came. She told me she had forgotten that she had left the things she had stored in my place. Not surprising, this woman is so busy picking at the wounds of her past its not surprising she has no room left for those day to day things, like paying her bills or where she had left her shit. I pointed at the pile of her stuff. She claimed that she had missed me, that I had been right about the momentary knot that had driven me off, and in fact I had been right about everything. Yeah well that and fifty cents will buy you a cup of coffee. As I looked at her she begin to well up. It had no effect on me. This woman will cry for absolutely no reason at all so why should this be very different. I told her that there was nothing for us, that there was no future for anything between us. I had told her to lose my number and never contact me again...I know a black hole when I see one-I was tired of believing in something I knew wasn't so. But as she left with her stuff, I knew that with her left my trust in any individual woman, with her left that last occurrence of me allowing a member of the opposite sex to have any influence on my life. The scale had been swaying for years but it settled as her car door slammed shut and she drove off. There would never be another woman in my life-she would be the last. I don't have the time, the inclination nor the hope that my answer lies with normalcy in my life. I will have to stand alone in the world, my past is my future.
Its a pity really. I would have made a good husband, I would have made a good father. I have learned from the many mistakes made by others in these regards. I was a good father figure to her boys, kids love me cause I don't treat them like some sorta alien creature...I treat them as inexperienced humans. I shield my lessons in the promise of forbidden information, that they might not be ready to hear what I have to say but I'll make this allowance just this once...Kids always want what they aren't allowed to have. I treated her well, I listened to her while she described the demon parade of her life...I listened over and over and over. I finally said enough after 6 months of the same 7 stories. I like green beans, but not every day and not for every meal and not as the only thing to eat. I guess its true, a woman will say she wants somebody that cares, somebody who listens, somebody who will make time for her, some who will treat her well. but when it comes right down to it, they want a bastard they can hopefully change. I'm not up to it. I am who I am, I am what I am. I would have enjoyed molding a young mind to take my place in society. I would have enjoyed growing old with a woman and allowing our lives to intertwine, but it is not to be. You can only pet a dog while hitting him so many times before the view of your open hand will cause the dog to whimper and hide. Last night, I realized that the open hand in front of me would cause me nothing but pain and I said no, and I will say no whenever I see the open hand again.
Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Yup, that sums up where my head is right now. Until the next time I think I have something to say, I bid you farewell.
Hope for me to have some sort of normal life has evaporated leaving nothing but a stain sorta like vomit left by a drunk on the sidewalk. A place without hope is Hell; and as I reflect on the last 52 years, it has been mostly that. It is both exhilarating and pitiful that I have reached this conclusion. I haven't given much of a damn about what other people thought for most of my time here, They are usually wrong, they are motivated by both ignorance and fear, and they haven't a clue about me. I also have allowed myself the privilege of appearing in public thinking that I was alone there...I say what I like, dress as I like and treat all people with the same level of contempt that I am treated with, the only advise I usually take is from my mechanic and medical professionals. I figure I'm paying for their advice I best take it.
I had a potential client in here yesterday, just before this farewell took place. She had on a "I love Jesus" Tee shirt and spoke in circles about nothing in particular...an intellectual religious fanatic. She claimed she had no money for the work she was wanting me to accomplish but was interested in barter. I responded with "what have you got to offer?" She quoted scripture suggesting that when God spoke he did so through people who spoke truth...OK, not something I can use. However, It did register that for the upcoming event of my farewell to this woman I had claimed to love, I would be presented with the right answer. When this potential client left, it wasn't long before the expected visitor came. She told me she had forgotten that she had left the things she had stored in my place. Not surprising, this woman is so busy picking at the wounds of her past its not surprising she has no room left for those day to day things, like paying her bills or where she had left her shit. I pointed at the pile of her stuff. She claimed that she had missed me, that I had been right about the momentary knot that had driven me off, and in fact I had been right about everything. Yeah well that and fifty cents will buy you a cup of coffee. As I looked at her she begin to well up. It had no effect on me. This woman will cry for absolutely no reason at all so why should this be very different. I told her that there was nothing for us, that there was no future for anything between us. I had told her to lose my number and never contact me again...I know a black hole when I see one-I was tired of believing in something I knew wasn't so. But as she left with her stuff, I knew that with her left my trust in any individual woman, with her left that last occurrence of me allowing a member of the opposite sex to have any influence on my life. The scale had been swaying for years but it settled as her car door slammed shut and she drove off. There would never be another woman in my life-she would be the last. I don't have the time, the inclination nor the hope that my answer lies with normalcy in my life. I will have to stand alone in the world, my past is my future.
Its a pity really. I would have made a good husband, I would have made a good father. I have learned from the many mistakes made by others in these regards. I was a good father figure to her boys, kids love me cause I don't treat them like some sorta alien creature...I treat them as inexperienced humans. I shield my lessons in the promise of forbidden information, that they might not be ready to hear what I have to say but I'll make this allowance just this once...Kids always want what they aren't allowed to have. I treated her well, I listened to her while she described the demon parade of her life...I listened over and over and over. I finally said enough after 6 months of the same 7 stories. I like green beans, but not every day and not for every meal and not as the only thing to eat. I guess its true, a woman will say she wants somebody that cares, somebody who listens, somebody who will make time for her, some who will treat her well. but when it comes right down to it, they want a bastard they can hopefully change. I'm not up to it. I am who I am, I am what I am. I would have enjoyed molding a young mind to take my place in society. I would have enjoyed growing old with a woman and allowing our lives to intertwine, but it is not to be. You can only pet a dog while hitting him so many times before the view of your open hand will cause the dog to whimper and hide. Last night, I realized that the open hand in front of me would cause me nothing but pain and I said no, and I will say no whenever I see the open hand again.
Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Yup, that sums up where my head is right now. Until the next time I think I have something to say, I bid you farewell.
posted by ak at 7:56 AM
2 Comments:
It´s ok man the vomit will dry up and blow away. if you have the desire to be husband and father it will happen.
I think the only block you have is absorbing all the problems of the world and everyone else plus your own problems into yourself and thinking your intellect and determination will resolve everything clearly.
it´s too much for one human being and i think you know that but still you want to try it anyhow.
for years i thought being tortured misunderstood and miserable was the secret to producing great art - actually the most productive artists are the happy ones who enjoy their life, have friends to share their pleasures and know where they are without peer and know where it´s better not to interject anything
in your ambitus of art-making you´re without peer - that´s good and correct - just let go of all the rest of it - the art-making is the only thing you need to think about - the rest falls away.
as for finding the woman, she will find you - it always works out that way.
Yeah well, as for having a family at 52 there's little chance of it. As for absorbing the problems of my friends...I've found that if I don't do something the problem gets worse and I end up dealing with it anyway just a bigger mess. I won't allow myself to get involved with another woman...I just don't have the patience or the time anymore. It's like they collect new baggage every year and expect you to unload all of it. All I can do is what I must do...I think I know who you are. You don't want me to know...that's fine. You obviously know me, or think you do. Lets leave it with Dr. Pavlov and his dog. All you have to do is get punished enough times before you realize that it just isn't worth it anymore...You can't swim against the current and actually get anywhere.
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