Sunday, November 21, 2010

The long road down the hole

Its been a rough few months...My Unemployment ran out last July and I got a taste of just how screwed up our government is. I've looked for work in areas that I would never have considered. I thought I'd gotten a job, but when the day came and the guy who had hired me and told me to show up then stated he didn't think I would. Adding he thought it would be a bad fit...I assured him that all jobs were the same...I didn't do them cause I was an eccentric millionaire needing something to do with my time. He just shook his head and stated he didn't think I'd show up, he'd seen my online portfolio and realized that I was incredibly talented and he really didn't think I had a place there. I was shocked why hadn't he said this when he hired me? This guy had wasted 2 weeks of my time. I had been running around trying to get things tied up so I could report for work with few distractions and then wasted my whole morning. I had shown up at 7:30 to begin my shift and told to come back at 9-he got around to seeing me about 10. He wasted my Morning for nothing...he kept saying he didn't think I'd show up...I have a few choice words for this jerk, but I will not labor you with them....As I said...been a rough few months.

I feel despondent. I feel like a failure cause I cannot secure steady employment. I have a friend who has hired me for a few projects around her house, for which I am not only grateful, but I consider this a solid hand while I sink in quicksand. For any who know me, know I never ever forget assistance when I need it, and pay it back 1,000 per cent. My soul has been dwelling in dark places lately and I suppose that's what I want to talk about.

At this writing we're about 4 days away from a somewhat special Holiday to this culture. Its our Autumn feast...but that isn't what we call it. We call it Thanksgiving. tradition says it includes a meal that is more food then twice the number of people you have at the table could consume. It includes one of the bigger domestic edible birds available and a collection of various vegetables, tubers, breads, sweets etc...and then there's the first "Christmas Parades" and the starting mark for Christmas, sorta the first of the infamous "holidays" that our culture use to end our year...But there's more to it then a big meal, companionship, parades and family gathering.
The words used to make this term are important...You give thanks. You give, and you are thankful for what you have. it is a sharing, a time when you reflect near the end of the year and make note of what has happened and how you were spared for it being worse. You are thankful for what you have and at the top of the list are the various friends, relatives, and associates that have made your year something other then the misery it would be without them. The guy that has just the right screwdriver you need for a job that says when your done with it "keep it, you used it more then I have...obviously you need it, if I need it I know where to find it." The woman married to a friend that you haven't seen since her 26 year old daughter made her debut appearance telling you "you always have a place here, Albert." Or the guy who knows you're addicted to nicorette gum and Extra winterfresh and walks in with about a case of each having found the former at a clearance sale and the latter at Sam's club...hands you the receipt and says "pay me when you get employed." The friend who you collect a dept for and he hands you 2/3 of the money you just gave him and says "you can use this more then I can. I'll call you the next time I need some crazy piece of furniture assembled." The former co worker who knows your building a computer desk and drags a under table keyboard mount that brand new costs about $150 and says "take this damn thing, I'm tired of tripping over it." My father who knowing my health insurance is a huge debt I must cover monthly sends me a check every month for a bit more then that amount and asks when I speak to him every week "is there anything else I can do for you?"
There's the friends who notice the blue tone to your internet social page posts and contact you with concern, an occasional lead and encouraging words. There are the people you do business with who allow you to pay your bill in installments, claiming "its only paper, you give it to me and I give it to somebody else...I know you'll take care of this when you can." There's the friends who call you and say "what are you doing for dinner? yeah well your coming here tonight." and call you to come over so they can load a couple of boxes of food in your truck cause they just cleaned out their kitchen cabinets and you can use it better then they can.
I have much to give thanks for. This two year period has been one of the most frustrating periods of my life. I have had relationships born, flower and evaporate. I have found out who are my friends are, and who only wanted me around to find out what I knew. I have been humbled, I have been exalted. I have been shown the kind of love you can only see in these situations. Its that strong hand that reaches for yours when you feel completely alone and its you and the world squaring off for round three and your getting you ass kicked. Its that hand on your shoulder that says..."you might not have much pal, but you have me watching your back." Its that call from a neighbor who says "hey, what are you doing? I have a table I need to move can you give me a hand with it?" with no mention that you still owe him $20.
I find myself thankful for much. I am not hungry, I have a roof over my head. I have access to any form assistance a man could desire should I ask. I have plenty to keep my mind occupied and people who believe in me and know I'm a pretty good bet. Yes, I lack Money. Yes I lack the approval of society because I am not part of the tax paying work force that keeps the economy humming, I can't be thankful for "things". However I think that i was forced to live through this to solidify in my head what is really important.
I have always seen myself as apart from the "herd". Independent in both thought and deed-on the outside looking in. {I jokingly will state that if I'd have known that this 'ruling in hell" shit was going to be that much of a pain in the ass I'd have reconsidered it.) If anything I lead because I knew the direction i must go and asked little advice and no quarter. Its funny when you walk in front you rarely see the people who follow your example, your words, your must fall, you must stumble and be unable to pull yourself up before you know how many hands reach out to lend you assistance. SO, for this I am grateful, cause its the best thing you can ever have....Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours....


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