Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The Hole in my Heart

I have bled for humanity. I have bled for individuals. I have attempted to share what God given talent I have to make the world a better place. I have lived my life as best I can and tried to make a difference.
I suppose in Satan's Eyes, I deserve all the pain I carry, I haven't made his job any easier. And, in case you are new to this world, God is indifferent. He figures' you paid your money, you take your chances. All he did was build the place and put you here. What you do while you were here is none of his affair.
I have been recently plagued with a allergic reaction to something...there are a variety of places on my body that itch constantly. Another malady to add, another complaint to make my life less then then what I wanted.
I'm wondering about happiness. We spend our lives pursuing it. Is it the same myth as as Love? That Chemical imbalance that plagues all of us at least once in our life? The moments of happiness that are balanced against the seeming months of agony?
Believe or not, I am cheerful person. The workings of the world amuses me like watching children play. The Federal Government? Slackers, idiots and fools. They are all about their own greed not caring a fig for the rest of us, until it's time to keep them at their spot at the trough...then they try and scar us-'Yeah I might be a jerk, but the other guy is Satan incarnate.' Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider "this used to be one hell of a country." Yeah Jack, it used to be. Local Government? Please...The only reason these people aren't in prison is cause they tell the police who to arrest. Family? My Family finds itself in a schism concerning if my Father has the right to his own happiness, even if he isn't. Friends? they are busy maintaining their own lives, justifiably, and i can't find fault. We are all rats here running through our own shit, rushing here and there attempting to find the missing pieces of our hearts. Attempting to find that one thing that will allow us to believe it was all worth it. Is it the destination or the trip that's important? Damn good question. Religion, Hmmmmm. I find the advocates of this form of lifestyle to be pitiful at best, and evil at worst...to pray upon fear of others for your own benefit-and the more sincere you are about it the better chance your flock will turn on you. Politicians of Heavenly office. This leaves the individual, Groups don't work well at doing anything except choosing who they are against. The world is in turmoil, and yet when you ask an individual "are you happy? is this the life you chose? would you want to change it?" you find the people that are too busy to think to be the happiest. They are distracted by the "one more thing to do" mentality. This place we find ourselves, this veil of tears...What's the purpose? Is this as I've always thought a testing sight, a place to prove ourselves? a Stage to allow us to play our part? a demolition derby where the last one up and running wins? Hmmmm...Its Tuesday. I have things I need to accomplish, things to do to maintain my life....I shall ponder this further, if I come up with answers I'll be sure to post them, but for now I'm thinking that it's all pretty pointless;that we're on our own here, that it's as pointless as the bug that accidentally gets in the way of a car speeding down the highway...we all end up as a casualty of life.